Saturday, January 28, 2006
The art of staying in the moment...
I am sitting at work at the local women's rehab where I work part time as a Resident Assistant, or RA (i.e. the warden) and watching a client project the hell out of a situation. I am reminded of a recent situation of my own.
As soon as I started to feel a little restless in my current relationship, rather than focusing on a solution, I chose to project. In about a matter of twenty minutes, in my head I was no longer engaged, living in my own apartment and dating a guy in rehab. Now, in real life, I ended up choosing to get input from a number of different people in my support network and ultimately realized that the problem was me and not my relationship. A few tweaks here and there, and my relationship is in tip top shape.
Just for today....I will at least consider the reality of a situation before I go ape-shit and project myself into an anxiety attack.
On another note, I got my period today. Along with the package comes some excruciating cramps. The fun part is that now that I have had weight loss surgery, I can no longer take Ibuprophen. The only pain reliever I can take is Tylenol which is about as effective as a tic tac. So for now, I will suck it up, go to a meeting with the gals, and suffer in silence...
As soon as I started to feel a little restless in my current relationship, rather than focusing on a solution, I chose to project. In about a matter of twenty minutes, in my head I was no longer engaged, living in my own apartment and dating a guy in rehab. Now, in real life, I ended up choosing to get input from a number of different people in my support network and ultimately realized that the problem was me and not my relationship. A few tweaks here and there, and my relationship is in tip top shape.
Just for today....I will at least consider the reality of a situation before I go ape-shit and project myself into an anxiety attack.
On another note, I got my period today. Along with the package comes some excruciating cramps. The fun part is that now that I have had weight loss surgery, I can no longer take Ibuprophen. The only pain reliever I can take is Tylenol which is about as effective as a tic tac. So for now, I will suck it up, go to a meeting with the gals, and suffer in silence...
Friday, January 27, 2006
I covet, therefore I am
In the recovery world, we constantly make reference to "substituting one for another". In active addiction, this phenomenon can be best illustrated by those who decide to "just drink a little for a while" or "put down the crack rocks and just smoke a little weed". However, in recovery, we wear our addiction on our sleeve when we go crazy with men or food or credit cards or work.
In my case, my disease is currently manifesting itself in the form of Clinique. I must say that I have had far less expensive and more manageable manifestations of my disease in the past i.e. drug store lip gloss, bean dip, etc... but this one has the potential to break me financially. I am about to embark on a journey to Yonkers to buy a new eye shadow and perfume. Two things that I do not need. Everything inside of me is screaming to the contrary, however, and if I had any sense, I would call my sponsor.
Just for today, I will act out on my disease, just a little, and look really fabulous because of it.
In my case, my disease is currently manifesting itself in the form of Clinique. I must say that I have had far less expensive and more manageable manifestations of my disease in the past i.e. drug store lip gloss, bean dip, etc... but this one has the potential to break me financially. I am about to embark on a journey to Yonkers to buy a new eye shadow and perfume. Two things that I do not need. Everything inside of me is screaming to the contrary, however, and if I had any sense, I would call my sponsor.
Just for today, I will act out on my disease, just a little, and look really fabulous because of it.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Quote of the Day
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. ~Jackie Mason
Down with the Sickness....part II
Unbelievable. I get over flu #1 only to be sacked by flu #2. YUK. Lots of time at home to feel unproductive and depressed. Tonight, however, I will venture out for a most important mission.
My dear friend Michelle was, before a week ago, a "Sex and the City" virgin. Now, being a fellow woman in her 30's, I found this fact not only disturbing, but also considered it to be a personal challenge of mine to introduce her to the vibrant world of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. Mission accomplished.
Last Monday evening, we tackled the first six episodes of season one and as each one ended, she would make the comment that "they're over so fast" from which I derived the conclusion that "Sex and the City" is like crack. You peak quickly and fiercely after which the 27 minute episode is over before you've had a moment to enjoy the high. It is addictive and leaves you desperately craving more.
This "addiction" is why I will choose to leave my house, kleenex in tow, to share the last 6 episodes of season one with Michelle. And I will love it. And so will she.
My dear friend Michelle was, before a week ago, a "Sex and the City" virgin. Now, being a fellow woman in her 30's, I found this fact not only disturbing, but also considered it to be a personal challenge of mine to introduce her to the vibrant world of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. Mission accomplished.
Last Monday evening, we tackled the first six episodes of season one and as each one ended, she would make the comment that "they're over so fast" from which I derived the conclusion that "Sex and the City" is like crack. You peak quickly and fiercely after which the 27 minute episode is over before you've had a moment to enjoy the high. It is addictive and leaves you desperately craving more.
This "addiction" is why I will choose to leave my house, kleenex in tow, to share the last 6 episodes of season one with Michelle. And I will love it. And so will she.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
bariatric weight loss, regrets, and dignity...
I am not only a recovering drug addict, but a recovering food addict as well. I thought I would post an email I sent to a friend answering some questions she had asked about my progress.
Are you happy you did the surgery?
Um, most definitely yes. Would do it again in a heartbeat.
How much have you lost so far?
As of this morning (12/20/05) I have lost 47 pounds. My surgery date was October 7 and my starting weight was 305.
How much has it impacted your day to day life?
I have officially hit the point where the impact on my daily life is HUGE. It's mostly the little things....the clothes I can fit in, being able to reach my feet to tie shoelaces, being able to see my feet, the ease in standing up from a sitting position and even the ease in (yes, she's gonna say it) sitting down on the toilet, feeling pretty again, not feeling like everyone is staring at the "fat lady", being able to exercise without feeling like I am going to have a heart attack, being able to say, "Yes, honey, I would love to go for a walk with you.", and being able to fit into any chair at any public place. The biggest things are my sound sleep, my depression level (much better) and the absence of physical pain.
How hard is it to eat the way you need to?
Right now, it is honestly not difficult at all. The first several weeks are difficult as you have to slowly progress from liquids to solids and your stomach is tender and sore and not happy much of the time, but that phase passes. Now, I eat just about the same thing that everyone else eats with a few guidelines. I try to avoid sugar, though a certain amount is fine and natural sugars are fine (fructose, lactose...etc.) For example, in my daily coffee, I put a scoop of Splenda baking mix which is half sugar, half splenda. I would never know the difference. I avoid heavily fried foods. I haven't tested this one, but I was warned that super greasy food would not sit well. I HAVE to get my protein in. This one is the most important. I need 65g of protein EVERY DAY. At one point, I got so sick of nasty tasting protein shakes that I wanted to kill myself. But now, I have found an unflavored protein that I mix with crystal light and OJ and it works for me. My stomach is still tender, so certain chunks of meats get kinda "stuck" (you won't understand that until after surgery and then you will say, as I did, "Oh....that's what they meant!") So I stick with the foods that I tolerate well. It is kind of a trial and error process for the first year, so I hear.
I find that when I get really frustrated and wish I could eat sugar or a larger portion, I, quite literally, get over it. I CANNOT eat more than a certain amount so my brain is beginning to catch up with my stomach. It's different from a diet where you obsess and obsess about a food until you finally break down and eat it. There aren't too many things that are off limits after surgery, so a couple bites will do ya. If it is something that you can't have, you can go ahead and eat it, but it will make you violently ill. If you eat too much, it is also very painful.
Have you had any problems with dumping or vomiting? What about diarrhea?
I have never dumped, despite testing my sugar boundaries. I wish I did. I vomited only once, and that was manually. I ate a bite of chicken well before I was to be eating solid foods and it got stuck. I felt like I was going to die so I got rid of it. I have had about half a dozen cases of what I like to call "the mystery sh!ts" which are pretty violent bouts of diarrhea that I can't seem to link to any one food or group of foods. They are getting fewer and further between.
Yeah, I know......nothing like getting down to the nitty gritty!)
Hey, there is no shame in the bariatric world. I have seen threads about having to have the nurse wipe your behind just after surgery. Then I lived it. Then I got hosed and scrubbed down like an elephant in an oversized shower stall. I have no dignity left, and know what? I loved every minute of it. It was all part of the journey.
How long after the surgery were you able to go on with your normal routine (as in back to work, etc.)?
I chose to have open rather than lap, so my recovery time was longer. I wanted to go back after two weeks, but ended up waiting a month which is the norm. Open is a trade-off. You have less of a risk of major complications, but a harder recovery. I was able to really see that first hand as Christy and I have followed each others progress. After six weeks I was able to start working out at the gym (though I had been walking since the day of surgery) and do some real cardio and some light weight training. I have not done anything with my abs or back yet. I will not ride until at least mid-Feb or maybe even March. OH, my mother came and stayed with me for the first several weeks as I could not do anything for myself (except that once I left the hospital, I was able to wipe my own behind). A caretaker is imperative for the first few days (laproscopic) or first few weeks (open) and a good, comfy recliner. And the sugar-free creamsicles rock my world.
Are you planning on having cosmetic surgery to get rid of the excess skin and have you checked out costs, doctors, etc?
You betcha! I have not looked into prices as I am confident that my insurance will cover it as they did with my surgery. I have already had medically documented skin problems, (light yeast infections under folds, and folliculitis rashes in the folds and under my boobies.) so the likely hood of getting a tummy tuck and a breast lift covered is good. Obesityhelp.com is a good resource for this and all other issues pertaining to weight loss surgery.
Add anything else you think I should know!
This is a major life change and a personal decision, so you are ultimately the only one who can make it. I would urge you to research, research, research! Obesityhelp.com is an AMAZING resource. Research your surgeon on there. I would choose a surgeon who has done HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of these procedures. The death rate with this Sx goes up exponentially as the number of surgeries performed goes down. My surgeon has done almost 2000 surgeries and has never had a death. This was important to me. He had also done infinitely more open procedures vs. laproscopic which is one major reason that I chose open. If you are having MAJOR reservations, wait. You'll know when you are ready. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, it's time. I know that I was at the end of my rope. There was no question about that. I had lost all hope and I knew that this was the only option for me. And I wasn't ready to lay down and die just yet. I gotta lotta living to do yet!
Are you happy you did the surgery?
Um, most definitely yes. Would do it again in a heartbeat.
How much have you lost so far?
As of this morning (12/20/05) I have lost 47 pounds. My surgery date was October 7 and my starting weight was 305.
How much has it impacted your day to day life?
I have officially hit the point where the impact on my daily life is HUGE. It's mostly the little things....the clothes I can fit in, being able to reach my feet to tie shoelaces, being able to see my feet, the ease in standing up from a sitting position and even the ease in (yes, she's gonna say it) sitting down on the toilet, feeling pretty again, not feeling like everyone is staring at the "fat lady", being able to exercise without feeling like I am going to have a heart attack, being able to say, "Yes, honey, I would love to go for a walk with you.", and being able to fit into any chair at any public place. The biggest things are my sound sleep, my depression level (much better) and the absence of physical pain.
How hard is it to eat the way you need to?
Right now, it is honestly not difficult at all. The first several weeks are difficult as you have to slowly progress from liquids to solids and your stomach is tender and sore and not happy much of the time, but that phase passes. Now, I eat just about the same thing that everyone else eats with a few guidelines. I try to avoid sugar, though a certain amount is fine and natural sugars are fine (fructose, lactose...etc.) For example, in my daily coffee, I put a scoop of Splenda baking mix which is half sugar, half splenda. I would never know the difference. I avoid heavily fried foods. I haven't tested this one, but I was warned that super greasy food would not sit well. I HAVE to get my protein in. This one is the most important. I need 65g of protein EVERY DAY. At one point, I got so sick of nasty tasting protein shakes that I wanted to kill myself. But now, I have found an unflavored protein that I mix with crystal light and OJ and it works for me. My stomach is still tender, so certain chunks of meats get kinda "stuck" (you won't understand that until after surgery and then you will say, as I did, "Oh....that's what they meant!") So I stick with the foods that I tolerate well. It is kind of a trial and error process for the first year, so I hear.
I find that when I get really frustrated and wish I could eat sugar or a larger portion, I, quite literally, get over it. I CANNOT eat more than a certain amount so my brain is beginning to catch up with my stomach. It's different from a diet where you obsess and obsess about a food until you finally break down and eat it. There aren't too many things that are off limits after surgery, so a couple bites will do ya. If it is something that you can't have, you can go ahead and eat it, but it will make you violently ill. If you eat too much, it is also very painful.
Have you had any problems with dumping or vomiting? What about diarrhea?
I have never dumped, despite testing my sugar boundaries. I wish I did. I vomited only once, and that was manually. I ate a bite of chicken well before I was to be eating solid foods and it got stuck. I felt like I was going to die so I got rid of it. I have had about half a dozen cases of what I like to call "the mystery sh!ts" which are pretty violent bouts of diarrhea that I can't seem to link to any one food or group of foods. They are getting fewer and further between.
Yeah, I know......nothing like getting down to the nitty gritty!)
Hey, there is no shame in the bariatric world. I have seen threads about having to have the nurse wipe your behind just after surgery. Then I lived it. Then I got hosed and scrubbed down like an elephant in an oversized shower stall. I have no dignity left, and know what? I loved every minute of it. It was all part of the journey.
How long after the surgery were you able to go on with your normal routine (as in back to work, etc.)?
I chose to have open rather than lap, so my recovery time was longer. I wanted to go back after two weeks, but ended up waiting a month which is the norm. Open is a trade-off. You have less of a risk of major complications, but a harder recovery. I was able to really see that first hand as Christy and I have followed each others progress. After six weeks I was able to start working out at the gym (though I had been walking since the day of surgery) and do some real cardio and some light weight training. I have not done anything with my abs or back yet. I will not ride until at least mid-Feb or maybe even March. OH, my mother came and stayed with me for the first several weeks as I could not do anything for myself (except that once I left the hospital, I was able to wipe my own behind). A caretaker is imperative for the first few days (laproscopic) or first few weeks (open) and a good, comfy recliner. And the sugar-free creamsicles rock my world.
Are you planning on having cosmetic surgery to get rid of the excess skin and have you checked out costs, doctors, etc?
You betcha! I have not looked into prices as I am confident that my insurance will cover it as they did with my surgery. I have already had medically documented skin problems, (light yeast infections under folds, and folliculitis rashes in the folds and under my boobies.) so the likely hood of getting a tummy tuck and a breast lift covered is good. Obesityhelp.com is a good resource for this and all other issues pertaining to weight loss surgery.
Add anything else you think I should know!
This is a major life change and a personal decision, so you are ultimately the only one who can make it. I would urge you to research, research, research! Obesityhelp.com is an AMAZING resource. Research your surgeon on there. I would choose a surgeon who has done HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of these procedures. The death rate with this Sx goes up exponentially as the number of surgeries performed goes down. My surgeon has done almost 2000 surgeries and has never had a death. This was important to me. He had also done infinitely more open procedures vs. laproscopic which is one major reason that I chose open. If you are having MAJOR reservations, wait. You'll know when you are ready. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, it's time. I know that I was at the end of my rope. There was no question about that. I had lost all hope and I knew that this was the only option for me. And I wasn't ready to lay down and die just yet. I gotta lotta living to do yet!
Down with the Sickness...
I am bogged down with a cold and all hell is breaking loose in my recovery community. People are lying, cheating, stealing, making poor decisions and I am powerless over all of it. Praise God that I am safe at home, sans drama, enveloped in a serene sea of movies and curry chicken stew (and Tylenol Cold and Flu).
I am grateful that I didn't have to use today. AMEN.
I am grateful that I didn't have to use today. AMEN.
Quote of the day
"Blow, blow, thou winter wind
Thou art not so unkind,
As man's ingratitude."
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616),
courtesy of the quotations page
Thou art not so unkind,
As man's ingratitude."
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616),
courtesy of the quotations page
Friday, January 06, 2006
Eternal struggles of the newcomer...
So...my very first post on my very first blog. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, however, I am resourceful and in certain situations quite determined. I will figure this out.
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