Change still terrifies me. And I have learned in recovery NOT to live in fear, but to live in faith. But when you are slapped in the face with a situation beyond your control, it is easier to resign to the fear.
I find myself walking alone today for the first time in several months.
The end of a relationship. The beginning of a new chapter. Complete with hope, anticipation, freedom, sadness, and fear.
So, why the hell am I so sad and afraid? I saw this coming a mile away. Hell, I was only procrastinating ending it myself. So why am I so sad now that he's gone?
I am not in control of this situation. That is what is at the heart of it. I cannot manipulate or rationalize or intellectualize myself out of this one. I gotta feel my way through this one.
I never intended to end up in this relationship to begin with, and once I was in it, I always had one foot out the door. But now that it's over, I find myself questioning what I felt and what I didn't feel for him. As it was with Jimmy, who died six years ago this past Friday, I didn't really know how much I loved him until he was gone.
But Jimmy died on me. This one I pushed away.
