Character Defects Abound...

Yes, my friends, that is me...the jerk. I seem to be making a lot of mistakes lately. Testing my boundaries, being too sassy, pushing things just a little too far, and guarding my heart at the expense of others.

Last night, in an attempt to be sarcastic, charming and witty (yeah right, get over yourself Lizzie) I offended someone. Someone who is just getting to know me. Someone who's company I actually enjoy. Someone who I thought I should protect myself from. Someone who is now disappointed in me.

It had appeared that I had pigeon-holed this person. Judged this person. Labeled this person. Classified this person as a "typical guy". The truth is that I think he is anything but the "typical guy", but as I am learning, it is easy for me to miscommunication my intentions....especially online.

Ok, big deal, right? He'll get over it. Except for one thing...I was judging him. I was pigeon-holing him. And I did label him. And I know better. And I got called out on my shit.

He told me that he was disappointed because of all people, I was claiming to work a program of recovery and he would have expected more from me because of that (paraphrasing). Ouch. The truth hurts.

You see, part of my program of recovery is to "practice these principles in ALL my affairs". Even the romantic ones. And I haven't been. I wasn't being open-minded. I wasn't practicing faith or acceptance. And I sure as shit wasn't surrendering.

See that's the thing, my friends....practicing these principles in all my affairs means not judging people. Having faith that they just might not be out to fuck me over. Surrendering control of situations and accepting those situations for what they really are. Hmmph. Sounds easy enough.

You see, my friends, unfortunately, I am discovering that my heart is guarded. Didn't really think it was. Seems that I'm not willing to be so quick to give it away this time around. I'm being a little more cautious, a little more picky, and unfortunately, a little more jaded. Yes, folks, I said it. Jaded. And I used to be someone who always saw the good in people. What happened? Life happened, I guess.

People lied. People cheated. People used. People left. People died.

But some people loved. And I guess it's just easier to forget the good stuff.

31, single, and jaded. Not a good combination.

For now, I will suck it up, apologize one last time, hope for the best, and try to be a little less cynical....just for today.