Alone...

Ok, so I have come to the conclusion that I am utterly incapable of being alone.

This is a new revelation for me, as I was never "that girl" who bounced from one relationship to the next. I was usually the single one. As a matter of fact, this past Sunday, I was asked out on a date for the very first time in my life. But I digress...

I decided to make the commitment to myself to abstain from dating for a year. I know that the healthy course of action here is for me to spend this year working my steps, gaining a better understanding of my higher power, revealing who I am; assets and liabilities, and, just overall making an effort to remove my head from my ass where intimacy is concerned.

It is not going well.

I broke off the relationship that I was in, but have not successfully stayed away from him. I am obsessed with my ex-fiance' and his new stupid girlfriend (ok, so she may not ACTUALLY be stupid, but for all intent and purposes...). I have at least five poor souls in my pocket at any given time because, as it turns out, being a hot little ticket affords me this sick-ass luxury.

*sigh*

And here's the bitch of it all....I promise you that I am NOT "THAT GIRL"! I swear to you! At least I never was.

I am educated, intelligent, fiscally responsible (much of the time), financially independent, searching, intuitive and deep.....what the fuck am I thinking? Since when have I reduced myself to existing as that woman who thinks that she cannot be without a man? Since when is my self-worth directly proportionate to the number of men who want to date me? What the fuck happened to me? How did I get here????

Alas, all I can do is continue to attempt to make healthy decisions. I suppose when the pain gets great enough...

In the mean time, I will continue focusing on my writing, my recovery, helping other addicts, my work, learning how to play my new purple guitar (which is super-rad, by the way), taking care of my babies (my animals) and enjoying life. (When I'm not obsessing about one fucking man or another.)

I am REALLY disappointed in myself. Really. I am. But, I'll keep coming back.