I knew going into this thing that there would be a risk of serious complications. I was informed that this surgery could result in medical complications ranging from blockages to vitamin deficiencies to death. I knew that there were risks. Serious risks. I knew that everything would change. They told me that things would be different, better. I prepared myself for a "new life". I wasn't confused about the fact that I was entering uncharted territory. What I didn't know... What I couldn't know... What I never prepared for... Was the fact that I feel as if I am walking around in someone else's body. On a different planet, even. I didn't know that one potential complication of this surgery was that it would not only change my body, mind and spirit, but that it would change the way the girl in the check-out lane acknowledged me. I didn't know that a stranger's glance and even mannerisms would be different. That men look at me in a manner strange to me, speak to me in a way I've never been spoken to. That women would place me in a new category, and treat me in a different way. That when children who I don't even know approached me, they would have a different look in their eyes, say things I'm not used to hearing. How I'm treated by my friends, by my family, by people who knew me then and people who are just meeting me now....that none of it would be the same. None of it would be comfortable. None of it would feel safe. I didn't know what it feels like to be objectified. To be treated as a thing rather than as a human being. To be treated as a potential sex partner instead of a friend. To be looked at instead of looked around or through. I had no idea that there would be expectations. That people would expect me to say or do or act a certain way just because of what I look like on the outside. Somehow, I thought that for the first time in my life, I could be freed from the bondage of always being aware of what I "look like". I could not have been more wrong. A serious complication of my weight loss surgery has been that one minute I was morbidly obese and the next minute I am what society deems as "attractive". And everything has changed. You see, society doesn't treat the former the same as the latter. And what it seems that everyone is missing...the part that they just don't get...is that it's just me in here. And it always was.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Serious weight loss complications...
I knew going into this thing that there would be a risk of serious complications. I was informed that this surgery could result in medical complications ranging from blockages to vitamin deficiencies to death. I knew that there were risks. Serious risks. I knew that everything would change. They told me that things would be different, better. I prepared myself for a "new life". I wasn't confused about the fact that I was entering uncharted territory. What I didn't know... What I couldn't know... What I never prepared for... Was the fact that I feel as if I am walking around in someone else's body. On a different planet, even. I didn't know that one potential complication of this surgery was that it would not only change my body, mind and spirit, but that it would change the way the girl in the check-out lane acknowledged me. I didn't know that a stranger's glance and even mannerisms would be different. That men look at me in a manner strange to me, speak to me in a way I've never been spoken to. That women would place me in a new category, and treat me in a different way. That when children who I don't even know approached me, they would have a different look in their eyes, say things I'm not used to hearing. How I'm treated by my friends, by my family, by people who knew me then and people who are just meeting me now....that none of it would be the same. None of it would be comfortable. None of it would feel safe. I didn't know what it feels like to be objectified. To be treated as a thing rather than as a human being. To be treated as a potential sex partner instead of a friend. To be looked at instead of looked around or through. I had no idea that there would be expectations. That people would expect me to say or do or act a certain way just because of what I look like on the outside. Somehow, I thought that for the first time in my life, I could be freed from the bondage of always being aware of what I "look like". I could not have been more wrong. A serious complication of my weight loss surgery has been that one minute I was morbidly obese and the next minute I am what society deems as "attractive". And everything has changed. You see, society doesn't treat the former the same as the latter. And what it seems that everyone is missing...the part that they just don't get...is that it's just me in here. And it always was.
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2 comments:
This is precisely the type of chronicle I love reading, because, never having suffered from a weight problem I don't, understand. Now you've given me some perspective. I want more posts Lizzie!
I read this earlier today and have been ruminating on it ever since. Hope you can forgive my scattered thoughts....:)
As a feminist I've always fought the idea of objectification wholeheartedly, and maybe fought it actively by becoming quite overweight myself towards the end of my active addiction.:) It was interesting to me as well, then, when I lost a fair amount of weight and things changed. I think there was a period of time in there when I forgot that my body was really merely a vehicle for my mind and soul which could serve various beautiful functions. Doing a full range of physical and intellectual activities takes MY OWN focus off of my appearance, and thus, I never (or at least seldom) notice what others are thinking. And from a more feminist perspective, it's been said (in many different, and more articulate ways) that if women spent half of the time we spend thinking about our looks on thinking about changing the world, we wouldn't still be making 70 cents for every dollar that a man earns. Just my two cents. :)
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