Trip to Cali...

Just returned home from a superb trip to cali... Had a most unexpected but blessed reunion with an old kindred spirit. Enjoy the snapshots!

Death of a childhood dream...

So, if you read back on my diaries from high school, you will see me close with exactly the same thing in every entry.

"..and if I could only be thin, then I could get a boyfriend, and then I would be happy."

Now I'm thin, and, much to my dismay...all of my problems are not solved. Who knew? There has been no magic *poof* followed directly by the appearance of a bowl of golden cherries. Nothing like that whatsoever, as a matter of fact.

Hmmm...

In fact, I had to spend $150 at VS yesterday on new bras because my boobs are deflating.

Livin' the dream, y'all. Livin' the dream.

Heartache

It is amazing to me that no matter how well other areas of my life are going, a little heartache can throw everything off-kilter.

You see, there's something I want. Someone, to be more specific. Someone I have hurt. Someone I love.

My friend Rebecca recently put things into perspective for me. I have been bashing myself for my recent behavior concerning men in general, Committing to a year without a relationship, and beating myself up for not wanting to adhere to that commitment when it comes to a certain individual. Rebecca reminded me that it is human nature to want to be with someone. And my favorite poet, Hafiz, said that, "We are people who need love, because Love is the soul's life." *sigh*

I have blogged before about the relationship I have been for the last several months. That relationship ended a few weeks ago. Lots of things have happened over the last few weeks. Lots and lots. Most importantly, I have experienced a dramatic and intense period of spiritual growth rivaled only by the death of my Jimmy six years ago. On a side-note, these periods of spiritual growth are quite commonplace in recovery, usually directly preceded by an intensely painful experience. They are life-changing.

Anyway, back to my heartache...

So...how 'bout when you fall head-over-heels for someone within days of meeting them, go against your commitment not to get into a commitment, six weeks into the relationship you tell your mother that you have met the man you are going to marry, and then when hit the point where things get a little serious you decide that you are not deserving of the kind of love that you are being offered and begin to push that person away. As a result...the relationship falls apart.

Now, after the aforementioned spiritual awakening, you see clearly for the first time, and you have hurt the aforementioned person in such a way that it seems that it will be impossible for him to give you a second chance. And therein lies my dilemma.

I have told him that I want to be with him. I have told him that I can do things right this time. I have told him that I want to be the kind of girlfriend that I know I am capable of being. He just doesn't want to hear it.

And because of this, because of me, my heart aches. Badly.

mmm....cheeseburgers...

More thoughts on weight loss surgery...

Everybody has demons. Everybody has issues. Everyone has been scarred and broken and bruised emotionally if not physically. Everyone has addictive tendencies of one kind or another. People are a mess. They just are. Thing is, usually, people's private, intimate, secret skeletons are just that.

Private. Intimate. Secret.

We don't have that option. We wear our addiction on our sleeves. It is hard to be 305lbs and hide the fact that you have food issues. You can be a closet gambler, a closet drinker, a closet drugger, a closet abuser, a closet self-loather, a closet sex-addict...but it's tough to be a closet overeater.

Everybody knows. Everybody sees. Everywhere you go.

And then...when we've had enough...when we can't go on living like that anymore...we make one of the healthiest decisions we've ever made. We go to any lengths to salvage our lives. To get ourselves back. To mend our broken spirits and stop our destructive behavior.

Problem is, we can't hide that either. It is not normal to lose 160lbs in a year. It is not natural to have a scar from your sternum to your belly button. And when we go through these radical, drastic, almost unbelievable physical changes, our personal, private, intimate issues seem to be more obvious than ever.

I think it is because it is socially acceptable to comment on weight loss rather than weight gain. Nobody ever said to me, "Wow! you must have gained at least fifty pounds since the last time I saw you!" I have never heard, "My, your ass is awfully fat. Do you have trouble fitting in chairs?", or, "Boy oh boy, you are so big that you look like you could drop dead of a heart attack at any moment...how is your health?" (OK, so maybe my mother has come close to some of these comments, but with her food issues, she can be less than human at times.)

It is socially acceptable for our dramatic weight loss to be the topic of conversation at a party or a family gathering. People feel comfortable asking us personal questions about the process, about our diet and exercise, about our heath, about our clothing size.

I don't know about you, but I felt like a freak before I lost the weight. Now, on some days, I feel like a freak-show...on display for the world to gawk at.

But, you know what? Fuck 'em. All of 'em. I can crawl through the window of my house when I lock myself out today. I can walk the beach for hours. I can turn heads everywhere I go. I am not a slave to food anymore. I am not obsessed with it. Controlled by it. In love with it. I am free.

And sooner or later, people will get over it. They'll go about their daily business. They won't point or gawk or comment anymore. I'll finally be free to just be me. No more, no less. And my issues, my skeletons, my new ones, will be safely tucked away in my own closet...where they belong.

And I'll probably be thinking, "What is wrong with these people? don't they realize that I have climbed mountains? Slayed dragons? Defeated demons? I wish someone would say something."

Alone...

Ok, so I have come to the conclusion that I am utterly incapable of being alone.

This is a new revelation for me, as I was never "that girl" who bounced from one relationship to the next. I was usually the single one. As a matter of fact, this past Sunday, I was asked out on a date for the very first time in my life. But I digress...

I decided to make the commitment to myself to abstain from dating for a year. I know that the healthy course of action here is for me to spend this year working my steps, gaining a better understanding of my higher power, revealing who I am; assets and liabilities, and, just overall making an effort to remove my head from my ass where intimacy is concerned.

It is not going well.

I broke off the relationship that I was in, but have not successfully stayed away from him. I am obsessed with my ex-fiance' and his new stupid girlfriend (ok, so she may not ACTUALLY be stupid, but for all intent and purposes...). I have at least five poor souls in my pocket at any given time because, as it turns out, being a hot little ticket affords me this sick-ass luxury.

*sigh*

And here's the bitch of it all....I promise you that I am NOT "THAT GIRL"! I swear to you! At least I never was.

I am educated, intelligent, fiscally responsible (much of the time), financially independent, searching, intuitive and deep.....what the fuck am I thinking? Since when have I reduced myself to existing as that woman who thinks that she cannot be without a man? Since when is my self-worth directly proportionate to the number of men who want to date me? What the fuck happened to me? How did I get here????

Alas, all I can do is continue to attempt to make healthy decisions. I suppose when the pain gets great enough...

In the mean time, I will continue focusing on my writing, my recovery, helping other addicts, my work, learning how to play my new purple guitar (which is super-rad, by the way), taking care of my babies (my animals) and enjoying life. (When I'm not obsessing about one fucking man or another.)

I am REALLY disappointed in myself. Really. I am. But, I'll keep coming back.

Serious weight loss complications...

I knew going into this thing that there would be a risk of serious complications. I was informed that this surgery could result in medical complications ranging from blockages to vitamin deficiencies to death. I knew that there were risks. Serious risks. I knew that everything would change. They told me that things would be different, better. I prepared myself for a "new life". I wasn't confused about the fact that I was entering uncharted territory. What I didn't know... What I couldn't know... What I never prepared for... Was the fact that I feel as if I am walking around in someone else's body. On a different planet, even. I didn't know that one potential complication of this surgery was that it would not only change my body, mind and spirit, but that it would change the way the girl in the check-out lane acknowledged me. I didn't know that a stranger's glance and even mannerisms would be different. That men look at me in a manner strange to me, speak to me in a way I've never been spoken to. That women would place me in a new category, and treat me in a different way. That when children who I don't even know approached me, they would have a different look in their eyes, say things I'm not used to hearing. How I'm treated by my friends, by my family, by people who knew me then and people who are just meeting me now....that none of it would be the same. None of it would be comfortable. None of it would feel safe. I didn't know what it feels like to be objectified. To be treated as a thing rather than as a human being. To be treated as a potential sex partner instead of a friend. To be looked at instead of looked around or through. I had no idea that there would be expectations. That people would expect me to say or do or act a certain way just because of what I look like on the outside. Somehow, I thought that for the first time in my life, I could be freed from the bondage of always being aware of what I "look like". I could not have been more wrong. A serious complication of my weight loss surgery has been that one minute I was morbidly obese and the next minute I am what society deems as "attractive". And everything has changed. You see, society doesn't treat the former the same as the latter. And what it seems that everyone is missing...the part that they just don't get...is that it's just me in here. And it always was.

A day in the life of fear and self sabotage.

Change still terrifies me. And I have learned in recovery NOT to live in fear, but to live in faith. But when you are slapped in the face with a situation beyond your control, it is easier to resign to the fear.

I find myself walking alone today for the first time in several months.

The end of a relationship. The beginning of a new chapter. Complete with hope, anticipation, freedom, sadness, and fear.

So, why the hell am I so sad and afraid? I saw this coming a mile away. Hell, I was only procrastinating ending it myself. So why am I so sad now that he's gone?

I am not in control of this situation. That is what is at the heart of it. I cannot manipulate or rationalize or intellectualize myself out of this one. I gotta feel my way through this one.

I never intended to end up in this relationship to begin with, and once I was in it, I always had one foot out the door. But now that it's over, I find myself questioning what I felt and what I didn't feel for him. As it was with Jimmy, who died six years ago this past Friday, I didn't really know how much I loved him until he was gone.

But Jimmy died on me. This one I pushed away.

Happy Halloween

Some snaps from my home group's annual Halloween party....

Me with the ever-lovely Will...


Just me...





The hot and sexy punk-girl Beth, and me...

My good friends Molly and Christina (and me)...

Stolen

I stole this, my new favorite blinkie, from a friend. Thanks, Michelle.

Oh no she didn't...

Yes she did.

Do it Anyway

DO IT ANYWAY
Written By Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Back into the swing of things.

It's been a long, strange haitus...

Ok...I know, I know. I've been a little busy. But I'm back now. I'm settled into my new home and have lots of goings-on to report. More later, gators...

Some new pics of the ever-shrinking me...

a few more...

Ham of God

I wanted to share part of an essay out of the book I'm currently reading. The book is Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott. She is my favorite author. If you have never read her, I highly recommend it. She is bright, edgy, funny, spiritual and in recovery to boot!

"Ham of God"

On my forty-ninth birthday, I decided that all of life was hopeless, and I would eat myself to death. These are desert days. Better to go out by our own hands than to endure slow death by scolding at the hands of the Bush administration. However, after a second cup of coffee, I realized that I couldn't kill myself that morning - not because it was my birthday but because I'd promised to get arrested the next day. I had been arrested three weeks earlier with an ecumenical bunch of religious peaceniks, people who still believe in Dr. King and Ghandi. Also, my back was out. I didn't want to die in crone mode. Plus, there was no food in the house. So I took a long, hot shower instead and began another day of being gloated to death.

Everyone I know has been devastated by Bush's presidency and, in particular,m our country's heroic military activities overseas. I can usually manage a crabby hope that there is meaning in mess and pain, that more will be revealed, and that truth and beauty will somehow win out in the end. But I'd been struggling as my birthday approached. So much had been stolen from us by Bush, from the very beginning of his reign, and especially since he went to war in Iraq. I wake up some mornings pinned to the bed by centrifugal sadness and frustration. A friend called to wish me Happy Birthday, and I remembered something she'd said many years ago, while reading a Vanity Fair article about Hitler's affair with his niece. "I have had it with Hitler," Peggy said vehemently, throwing the magazine to the floor. And I'd had it with Bush.

Why I'm Still in Michigan...

OK, there are a couple of other reasons as well....
But these were taken during my tri-weekly stroll on the beach earlier this week. (click the photos to enlarge)

*sigh*

I run. I'm a runner. No shit.

So, I am training for a 5K. OK, stop laughing. I'm serious. It's in August, and no...I'm not gonna walk it.

Why, you ask? Because I can, that's why. Because I can run because my feet don't hurt. And I can breath and my knees aren't shot and my back can take it. And because I couldn't say any of these things a year ago.

In order to hold myself accountable, my friend, trainer and running partner told me that I am supposed to shout to the world that I am training for a 5K.

Brand new things are afoot, my friends. A new lifestyle, a new season, a new physical me.....

Oh, and I just might be falling in love....

I'd forgotten..

What it was like to float... To walk without touching the ground, to fly. I'd forgotten what it was like to stare... into another's past, present, and future. What it feels like to just be. And also what it feels like to fall, so God, be with me as I close my eyes, heart in tow, and jump....just a little....