Off my f@%$&*ing rocker.

Ok, so today, I either had a moment of clarity, or a complete nervous breakdown. I am either in touch with my needs and emotions or I need my meds tweaked. At this point, I sit here with no fucking idea which it is.

I initiated a conversation with Kevin during which we decided to officially separate for a while, if not for good. Shortly after, a bawling, slobbering mess, I confirmed to three sisters in recovery exactly what I had just done and why. I received three different responses.
1. Saw this coming a mile away...you will be fine alone.
2. I support you no matter what.
3. Don't you think that was a bit impulsive?

OK, no clarity there. So then I called my mom. She proceeded to more or less lose her mind, more over her own powerlessness to control/fix the situation. She suggested that:
1. I am manic.
2. We wait to seperate until she heads north for the summer in May
3. We get therapy, individually and jointly.

The problems with these three suggestions is that:
1. I am not bipolar (thought I am having my doubts right now)
2. There doesn't really seem to be any turning back from here, and how do you live with someone you are separated from?
3. What do we do while we are getting therapy? Live together or live apart?

So, as of this moment, I have no idea what the fuck to do. Half of me wants to call it quits, not because we are mad at each other, not because he is a bad person, but because he is such a wonderful man and yet, I don't know if I am in love with him - 3 1/2 years into the relationship, because he deserves someone who is madly in love with him, and because I deserve the same.

My thoughts earlier where that we have become more like brother-sister or best friends than a couple. We lost our intimacy a year and a half ago, and I'll be damned if we haven't tried to find it to no avail.

I am plagued with thoughts of wanting to be free to date (GOD help me, why I would want to be back out THERE at 31 years old with MY baggage...I have NO idea!). Not really sure as to why, mostly, I think it is just that I have never really dated in my life. My life has been a series of drunken one-night-stands and two accidental relationships. I have never actually been asked out on a date.

I am plagued with questions as to what I REALLY want in this life, a new career, children, marriage, etc...and I don't really know what my stand is on any of these aforementioned issues.

I am plagued with expectations of WHO I want to spend my life with, if anybody, and the qualities I expect this person to have, and whether Kevin posesses any or all of these qualities, and again...I'm drawin' a blank.

So, in light of all this uncertainty...do I NOT want to make any rash decisions like the one I've just made? Or do I NOT want to stay in a life that I am so uncertain about? Now THAT is the question, my friends.

For now, I think I will take this sick ass and this overloaded head to bed. Thanks for letting me share, and with that, I'll pass...